Dating for Dummies

Most people have an exit strategy when a date starts to go awry. I need to work on mine.

In my defense though, I had to drive an hour to a small town for a second date I had recently. So I was committed to it - no matter how strange or terrible.

This was my second date with "Chuck" and things started off fairly regular. We went out for dinner at a local restaurant. Had some beers. Nothing crazy.

But Chuck told me about his night before which consisted of drinking till 5 in the morning with his buddies. I have no problem with that. I often do the same thing. But, I could tell he didn't really feel all that great.

As we walked the couple blocks back to his house, a little surprise popped up. Chuck couldn't hold it in any longer. Chuck upchucked. Blew chunks. Lost his lunch. Chuck puked 4 times on the short walk home! Awesome.

Poor Chuck kept apologizing and I honestly felt bad for him. I knew he was embarassed. He's a shy guy in the first place and there's no way this helped him. This would've been my perfect chance for an exit.

"Obviously you're not feeling well. I should take off."

But I didn't say this.

So we went inside his house. Where I was greeted by his mom. His unsuspecting mother who had no idea a strange girl may be coming over. Did I mention this was our second date? So while Chuck slipped to the washroom, to brush his teeth I assume, I talked with his mom. Luckily, I'm great with parents. I'll chat them up all night and charm their pants off.

I'm not sure why I didn't go running in the other direction after this disaster. Maybe I'm forgiving to a fault. Maybe it was pity. Maybe I was curious what would happen next. We all have these stories. As a single girl you tend to rack up these types of stories and because of these you develop flags or signals. Don't ignore those.

From this experience I've come up with two very important dating etiquette points:

1. Even though one of my biggest pet peeves is when people cancel plans or bail out, if you are not feeling well, it's okay to cancel.

2. Warn your roommates (whoever they may be) if you are bringing over company.

Happy dating and try not to get puked on.

Unsolicited Comments

As a woman, I have been subject to unwanted leers, whistles and sexual remarks ever since I hit puberty. Maybe even before that. And also, as a woman I have been disgusted and scowled back at those committing them (while secretly strutting and holding my head a little higher thinking "Damn! I must be looking good today"). As a feminist I am officially offended of course, but every once in awhile we relish in those inappropriate comments when we've had a particularly rough day. I'm not saying you have any right at all to come up and slap my ass. That's assault brother.
And I will return the favour with a swift slap of your face. You slap an ass. I slap an ass.

Not only are we bombarded by catcalls but there are people out there who feel it necessary to unleash their "honesty" on you. I'm not sure if they think their comments are helpful or that they have some sort of right to spew their verbal diarrhea opinion of you. Let me tell you now. If you are one of those people. Please stop, stranger. No thank you.

Telling a woman she is wearing too much makeup. Not your job. Maybe she's enrolled in clown college. Mind your business.

Most recently one of the regular customers where I used to work (yay for me), felt it necessary to make an unsolicited comment. Let's call him Assface.

Assface: "I'm gonna say something, but I don't want you to get mad at me."
(Well this oughta be good.)
Me: Okaaaaaaay.
Assface: "Did you happen to get workout equipment for Christmas?"
(Not a good start buddy.)
Me: No
Assface: "I've noticed since you've worked here you've put on some weight."
Me: You should keep your opinions to yourself.

Shortly after this I had to step into the back because I was red with rage. Apparently I have anger issues.

Now, if I was younger I probably wouldn't have said anything or I would have instantly started crying. But as an older, wiser and much stronger person, I wouldn't and couldn't just let someone get away with saying that. I am proud to say I was not rude and I did not yell. I did make him feel bad and scolded him like a child. Everyone knows, you just DO NOT say those words to someone. Man, woman or child. Only your family is allowed to make you feel bad about yourself.

The truth is, he was right and I know it. I have put on a little winter weight. I usually do over the holidays. It's as much of a tradition in my life as decorating the tree or exchanging presents - but not nearly as beloved. What irks me the most however, is not that it's true. I will lose those extra pounds and I know it. What bothers me is that the opinion of someone who does not matter and a relative stranger to me can affect me so much.

I will never be a size zero. I've got hips and curves and I have finally come to terms with this. As a twenty something woman I feel like I am finally at a point in my life where I feel confident in my own skin and am much less shy than I used to be. However, no matter how good you're feeling that day, sadly it can quickly crumble by insensitive comments.

So my point is this. Never comment on the size of a woman's ass to her face. Or you will forever be Assface to that woman. And, in my opinion she has full right to smack you.

Whatever happened to predicitability?

The car ride home after a big night out, nursing a hangover and struggling to stay awake can be a long one. Unless you have a trip down memory lane and start singing theme songs from your favourite television shows. Of course, these shows were those of our childhood and mainly from the 90s. Growing up in the 90s reminds me of a few things. Pop culture crazes that made no sense (Pogs anyone?), music that will forever bring up nostalgic memories, overalls and family oriented television shows.

Let's touch on one of those at a time. The toys or fads that we became obsessed with. Trading pogs and hockey cards became my full time job when I was a kid. Times were simpler. We were completely entertained by things made of cardboard. Also, one of my favourite games was Dream Phone. Remember that one? I still love it. In fact, when I came back from Taiwan 2 years ago some friends visited me at home and we broke out the game. It still worked and it still angered me when boys would say "I know who it is and I'm not telling, ha ha." Jerk.

The music of the 90s is definitely considered classic in my books. It may have not caused a revolutionary change but it's when I started to really discover music on my own. Hello Nirvana and Alanis. But of course we can't forget the other end of the spectrum. Those candy covered gems of pop music. Britney, N'Sync and BSB.

I used to wear overalls, A LOT. I had jean ones, polyester ones, blue ones, green ones, short ones, skirt ones and yes, corduroy ones. I'm not sure why overalls were all the rage. Maybe they weren't and I just REALLY liked overalls.

Which brings me to the television shows. The theme songs that we know all the words to and recognize immediately. Fresh Prince, Full House, Family Matters, Blossom, Saved by the Bell. Who of us can't rap the entire Fresh Prince theme? It makes us all believe we are rap stars. We are not, by the way. The beauty of these shows was also how they always had a lesson to learn or moral of the story at their conclusion.

Have you ever listened to the themes of Full House and Family Matters closely? I'm not sure how it took me so long to realize the similarities in the 2 songs. But, after a little research, I discovered the singer/writer is in fact the same person. Mystery solved.

Tis the Season

Yes, it's the most wonderful time of the year. The holidays are here and it really doesn't matter what religion you celebrate or what holiday you look forward to, this is the happiest time for most. Happy Hanukkah, Festive Kwanzaa, or Merry Christmas!

This is the time when you surround yourself with friends, family and loved ones. This is also the time when us singles are constantly bombarded by articles in magazines or television specials telling us how to get through the holidays alone. (I'll tell you how...alcohol!)

Titles such as:
"Single? How to make it through the season alone"
"Coping with Christmas alone"
"Survive the holidays as a single"
"Home Alone for the Holidays"
"How to not kill yourself for being a single loser during the holidays"

Honestly, I never really think of myself as alone until they tell me that, yes, I am in fact single - which apparently is a synonym for lonely and sad. Strangely enough it is also the time of year I see most of the people in my life. Get togethers, dinners, parties...it's a never ending parade of people.

So I've comprised my own list of why being single isn't all that bad during this season.

1. Not spending as much money - Yes this one is obvious. You have less gifts to buy so you will in fact save some of the hard earned moolah. These savings can be put toward something much more useful during this time of year - booze. Vodka, whiskey, wine oh my! This is also a great time of year to visit the LCBO with the specialty drinks that come out. Happy shopping!

2. You don't have to decide where to spend the holidays. Yes, that ever looming fight and ultimate decision does not have to be made. You can spend the holidays wherever you damn well please and can stay as long as you like. This is also great because this decreases your travel time and increases the drinking time. Noone likes people to drink and drive - ever, but especially during the holidays.

3. Noone to impress. You are not fretting over being cute and funny when meeting new family members for the first time and trying to keep things under control. Instead, you get to spend it with people who already love you and accept you. Drunk or not.

I won't lie, there may be times when you will feel a little like singing "Blue Christmas" and start to feel sorry for yourself. Like this year, when seeing the signed card for Grandma and Grandpa from my family.
Love:
Mom and Dad
Brother 1 and K
Cheddar
Brother 2 and R

The cheese stands alone.

Jamaican me thirsty, Jamaican me crazy...Jamaican me laugh

I've just returned from a fabulous trip to Jamaica for my cousin's wedding and I know you are all jealous of my tan, beach time and adventures. I'm not gonna lie. You should be. I'm pretty brown (for me) and I spent a lot of relaxation time on beaches.

Jamaica is beautiful and the resort we stayed at was wonderful! (Iberostar Rose Hall Suites shout out and high five!) This was the first time I've been with an all inclusive package and let me tell you...they make some delicious cocktails. The bartenders do not spare on the booze.

A stop to good ol' Canadian Tire before the flight out was necessary. My Bubba and I were really tight all 5 days and he kept my drink cold and strong the entire time. I highly recommend purchasing one for your all inclusive needs.

The atmosphere in Jamaica is completely relaxed ("ya mon") and everything really is "no problem". Well that is until our family shows up.

Trying to leave the restaurant with a plate in hand. Problem

Trying to eat at the buffet with no shoes. Problem

Leaving a show with glass cups. Problem.

Walking into the more expensive hotel attached to your own. Problem. (Except if you're walking the bride back to her room. We are very good babysitters and smooth talkers).

Dancing on the dance floor with drinks in your hand. Problem. (Although to be fair...we did break some glasses and an announcement had to be made and the glass area cautioned off.) Oops!

We are such a bunch of trouble makers.

We really only had time to do one excursion while we were there. So we hired our taxi driver from the airport to take us to Negril. 'Oneness' (Del Roy) drove us and educated us along the way to the white sand beaches and shopping of Negril. After playing in the water and along the beach we headed to Rick's Cafe for apparently one of the most beautiful sunsets in the world. While there, some of us decided to partake in a little cliff diving. Resulting in some mean bruises along my legs.

I needed brave cuz Lolo to hold my hand on the way down. Note: before you jump 40ft, don't look down.

We sat and ate and enjoyed the lovely sunset (although I must say, the Grand Bend sunset is pretty spectacular too).


It was such a memorable holiday with a beautiful wedding to boot! Drinking, dancing, eating, laughing...too much fun!

Freaky Friday

As a server in a restaurant that serves alcohol and is located in a small town, and is walking distance for those without vehicles or licenses, I have the pleasure of talking daily with some interesting folks and listening to their opinions. Yesterday was no different.

To protect the insane and potentially dangerous I'll call the particular man Mr. Instant Coffee. (I should have known he would be slightly off-kilter when he was okay with drinking instant coffee. Yuck). Here is our basic conversation while he sat and enjoyed his microwaved brew.


Mr. Instant Coffee: You know there are only two people in this world. Extroverts and introverts. Extroverts spend their time looking at tv and looking at people. Introverts spend their time looking into themselves.

Me: I thought extroverts were social people and introverts were more shy.

Mr. IC: That too.
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Mr. IC: You wouldn't by chance be a mother?

Me: Umm....no. Why?

Mr. IC: You just seem very mature for your age.

Me: Well, I am 26.

Mr. IC: That's a haunting age for me. I had a friend kill herself at 26.

Me: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Mr. IC: Well, people knew she was suicidal and didn't stop her. So she was basically murdered.
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Mr IC: People that drive white vehicles have black hearts and are greedy.

Me: That's an interesting theory.

Mr. IC: I like to share what I know with people.
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Lucky me.
This glimpse into my life was brought to you by Bud Light. Because after that shift I definitely needed quite a few of those.

Gimmie some Mo'

One of my favourite times of year is upon us. Yes, ladies and gentlemen it is that special month...Movember. The time when only the manliest of men grow ridiculous facial hair to support prostate cancer.

I'm not quite sure when my obsession started. Subconciously it had to have begun when I was young. That's probably why I enjoyed playing Super Mario Bros. so much. Mario and Luigi running around saving the Princess and squashing mushrooms. You can't get more macho than that. Or maybe it started when I realized how much fun it is to wear silly staches and make videos with your crazy friends. It's always funny. But in a serious kind of way.

But, an obsession it is. I LOVE Movember and the men that support it. All the different shapes, sizes and colours of mustaches is enough to make a girl croon/cringe. This is the time when it is acceptable and even encouraged to let the hair go.

So, ladies, I beg of you this. Don't shy away or scowl at that upper lip. Behind that hairy man is a supportive and fun loving dude. Be a Mo' Hoe. Show some love and recognize that his face has made a sacrifice for his bros. There's a reason women all over the world share a love for Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. Obviously, it's their manly stache.
Please visit the Movember website for more information or show your support.

Separating the men from the boys one face at a time.

It's a good thing I can't grow facial hear. For everyone.